Skip to content

In the Shadow of Suffering

Tuesday, March 16, 2021

Today is the one-year anniversary of full-time remote work for my company. At that time, I was also mid-semester teaching for my part-time job. But the college didn’t have the capacity to switch to distance learning. On that day I found out my classes were being canceled. Now, one year later, I have very gratefully received my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine. I burst into tears when I booked the appointment. I recognize the tremendous amount of privilege I have. High-speed internet, health insurance, a job with paid time off, a reliable car. These things have allowed me to remain at home this past year. And enabled me to make an appointment for the vaccine without too much hassle. I am eligible and it only took me a few days to track down an appointment in the metro area. But it is not at all fair.

Blind Americans face roadblocks booking online vaccine appointments

This has been a real rough year for folks with the kinds of disabilities that affect computer and internet use,” one expert said.

Every site I visited on my journey to vaccination had clearly been slapped together in a hurry, with little thought given to people who access the web using assistive technologies or people who have low vision or who are neurotypical. On more than one occasion I felt overwhelmed, and had to zoom in to 200% to see what radio buttons or checkboxes I was supposed to be selecting. And there are so many being left behind who don’t have internet access at all. We need to do better. More vaccination clinics and mobile vaccine units and outreach. I just want as many people to be vaccinated as possible. And then I’ll still be playing it safe and wearing my masks in public.

In other news…

  • My neighborhood bowling alley made headlines. And it is pretty freaking cool. A Drone Went Bowling. Hollywood Noticed.

    A drone video shot in a Minneapolis bowling alley was hailed as an instant classic. One Hollywood veteran said it “adds to the language and vocabulary of cinema.”

  • Speaking of Hollywood, it’s time to say farewell to Yaphet Kotto. What an actor. I’ll have to flip a coin to decide between Alien and Midnight Run.
  • Speaking of movies, last weekend I watched the incredibly entertaining King Rocker, a documentary about the singer Robert Lloyd and his bands, The Prefects and The Nightingales.

Though I’m on my way to being fully vaccinated, nothing much will change on my end. I will still be playing it safe at home. Waiting for my adult son to get his turn. And wearing a mask on those rare occasions I am in a public place (like healthcare appointments, oh the excitement). It’s hard to think ahead to a time when I’ll be in a place other than home. And when that happens, how extra weird will I be? At least I’m not the only one wondering that.Late-Stage Pandemic Is Messing With Your Brain — We have been doing this so long, we’re forgetting how to be normal.

COVID-19 Vaccination Record Card
Filed in Uncategorized, pandemic | Comments (0)

Alone With My Enthusiasm

Friday, March 12, 2021

This week had its ups and downs but I’ll focus on the positives. Like last Sunday, when it was warm enough to visit with my Dad in his driveway (though it was windy as heck). It was the first time I’d seen him in MONTHS. He and his wife are fully vaccinated but still being careful. I am now eligible to get vaccinated myself, though I haven’t been able to find an appointment just yet. And President Biden announced that he will direct states to make all adults eligible for COVID-19 vaccinations by May 1st. That works for me. Let’s all follow Schwarzenegger’s example.

Five things that brought me joy this week:

  • I am a long-time fan of Shonen Knife. And of The Kitchen Sisters. This week those worlds collided in a fun episode called The Osaka Ramones: The All-Girl Punk Band-Shonen Knife. Nostalgia overload.
  • The already dreamy Jason Mantzoukas is even cooler than I could have imagined: Jason Mantzoukas Has Had Time to Really Geek Out on Music. And we’ve both been maintaining our chill by listening to harpist Mary Lattimore’s Silver Ladders. Swoon.
  • Saw this news: Lou Ottens, Inventor Of The Cassette Tape, Has Died. Then I remembered how I discovered boxes of aging cassette tapes in our attic in the early 80s. I used them to record an alternative radio show on KFAI that aired on Sunday nights. I’m still amazed I was able to pick up the Minneapolis radio station’s signal on low quality boombox in my bedroom in White Bear Lake. But that’s how I discovered some of my favorite bands. Siouxsie & the Banshees, Screaming Trees, Joy Division, New Order, Pere Ubu, Tones on Tail, Bauhaus, etc. Later I spent my teens and twenties making mix tapes for friends and crushes alike.
  • Recently I convinced my kid to watch Amy Poehler’s Moxie with me. That doesn’t mean he’ll listen to tales of my riot grrrl youth or read my zines. It’s not a perfect movie (it still centers whiteness too much) but we both enjoyed it well enough and the soundtrack is superb.
  • I’ve been a big fan of Kate Quinn’s historical fiction. And I’ve been obsessed with Bletchley Park FOREVER. I was thrilled when the book I pre-ordered popped up on my Kindle this week. The Rose Code is about three women codebreakers Bletchley Park. I’m already halfway through the danged thing. I should slow down a little and savor it.

Right before I started teaching last night I got great news from my accountant. Somehow I am getting a refund this year. I was convinced I was going to be paying in again. This is such a relief. I actually got a little choked up. I’d been so stressed out about it. I’ve decided to take a break from teaching Fall semester, and I’ve turned down some wedding photography jobs for Fall. I am running on empty and need more downtime. But that will mean being better about budgeting. Not having to pay in for taxes gives me a little more breathing room. Phew.

Beautiful ironwork at the entrance of Lakewood Cemetery depicting the goddess Athena and her owl
Filed in general distractions, life | Comments (0)

A Matter of Milestones or of Moments

Saturday, March 6, 2021

It is March, again. This marks the one-year anniversary since the pandemic became real for many of us in the United States. There’s been a lot of chatter about hitting milestones. For example, the other day was the anniversary of the last live music show I saw in a venue. That week I also saw my last movie in a theater. And our last meal inside a restaurant was on Friday the 13th. This tweet is a relatable gut punch:

IT'S BEEN A YEAR. I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH. FOR EXAMPLE: I AM TIRED AND MY HAIRCUT IS BAD. WELCOME BACK TO MARCH. EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT

We do know a lot more about the virus after a year. And there are vaccines now. But they aren’t being rolled out quickly or efficiently enough. And too many Americans continue to engage in risky behaviors, like dining indoors. So for us, it will more of the same. Staying at home or social distancing outdoors, with masks. This is a sadly evergreen tweet:

YES MY CURRENT MENTAL STATE IS JUST ONE OF THOSE TIME LAPSE CLIPS OF A PLANT WILTING BUT I AM POSITIVE ANOTHER SAD LITTLE WALK AROUND MY NEIGHBORHOOD WILL SET EVERYTHING RIGHT

As I’ve done for a year, I’ll continue to get by with regular walks, cooking, podcasts, reading, and watching TV and movies. Here’s a random roundup of things that have been making me happy:

  • The buzz this week is all about the WandaVision finale, which I watched. But I’ve been excited about the return of another personal favorite.
    “Astronaut Drama For All Mankind Has a Stellar Second Season: This AppleTV+ production has gotten less attention than Ted Lasso or The Morning Show—but it’s well worth your time.”
  • Taskmaster series 11 will begin airing March 18th! And another round of the Champion of Champions is in the works, with winners from series 6 through 10. SO EXCITING
  • In local vegan-friendly food news, the delightful sibling duo behind Herbivorous Butcher is opening a vegan fried chicken shop in South Minneapolis, closer to where we live.
  • A plant-based burger chain is launching farther away, in the suburb of Wayzata. But we’ll check it out. Drive-thru style.
  • Every night at bedtime, I spend some time with my kindle before nodding off. Some books are more engaging than others though, so I stay awake too late reading. This is the latest one:
    ‘The Echo Wife’ Layers Sci-Fi And Murder Mystery For A Twisty Treat

One week from tomorrow will be March 14th aka Pi Day. Turns out I baked an apple-pear pie last year. But I’m ready to up my game. Perhaps a French silk pie? Or a vegan Banoffee pie. We’ll see.

Piece of paper seen on the ground with the words It's Better to Walk Alone Than in a Crowd Going the Wrong Way
Filed in life, pandemic | Comments (0)

Everything Else is Extra

Sunday, February 14, 2021

For the past 20 years, we’ve been attending the Women’s Prison Book Project fundraising breakfast on Valentine’s Day weekend. And donating books while enjoying pancakes. This year things moved online with a brunch & learn event. It wasn’t the same, of course, but there were some great speakers and that same feeling of community. Donate money or books, if you can. And watch this short documentary, No Way Out: COVID-19 behind bars in Texas. And read this: Is Prison Necessary? Ruth Wilson Gilmore Might Change Your Mind.

Many years ago, my divorce was finalized on Valentine’s Day. Most of the time I forget about that. I do find it funny my ex-husband went on to marry a lovely woman whose birthday happens to be on Valentine’s Day. At this point, they’ve been together much longer than we ever were. And I am glad to call them both friends.

Five good things:

As usual, I am single on this strange holiday. But that’s for the best in a pandemic during an extended polar vortex. Last night I had a hankering to rewatch Killing Eve. And found myself listening to the playlist this morning from the band Unloved. Apt. I was treated to my kind of valentine from The Allusionist podcast. Tonight I’ll watch the latest episode of American Gods (this season has been better than the last) and the pilot episode of The Luminaries.

Olive looking regal while bathing in the sun
Filed in Uncategorized | Comments (0)

Time Isn’t Holding Us

Friday, February 5, 2021

It’s already February. Next month, we’ll have lived in pandemic limbo for one full year. My son’s paternal grandparents and aunt received their first dose of the vaccine in Washington state recently. Last week, my Dad and his wife received their first dose of the vaccine. But overall the national rollout has been too slow, especially with the new COVID variants on the loose. Realistically, we’ve likely got another year to go before we reach the new normal. When it is time to be among other humans, it will be an awkward re-adjustment for me. And for others who have been hunkered down at home, taking COVID seriously. This piece in The Atlantic — The Pandemic Has Erased Entire Categories of Friendship — only fueled my longing for contact with others, particularly the acquaintances I used to encounter at live music shows.

In tangentially related vaccine news, one of my favorite podcasts released an episode about a topic that hits close to home. I come from a highly neurodivergent family (myself included). My son was diagnosed with autism at the peak of this mass hysteria. At the time, other parents accused me of causing my son’s autism because he’d had his routine childhood vaccinations. Despite being thoroughly debunked, the anti-science anti-vaccine movement continues on. Listen to this episode. The special guest is reporter/writer Eric Garcia, who is autistic. He also has a book coming out called “We’re Not Broken.” I’ve pre-ordered my copy from Moon Palace Books (support independent booksellers).

Now for a list of five good things heavy on the nostalgia (good and bad):

Bonus: Between winter and the pandemic, it’s hard to get my son to go anywhere. Not there is really anywhere to go. We have groceries delivered and get curbside pickup or takeout from restaurants occasionally. When I do leave, I mainly just go on walks. Last weekend I lured my son out of the house for the first time in weeks. For an outdoor adventure, in search of Zug Zug the caveman (photo below). Still no word on the location of his partner, Zarah.

Zug Zug the Caveman
Filed in life, nostalgia, pandemic, politics | Comments (0)

Tying a Knot in the Rope

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

What a difference a week (or so) can make. As of Monday, we had heat in our home again. And not just heat, but heat delivered via modern equipment. Our old boiler was the building’s original, complete with coal chute. This week started off with a huge improvement over the last two weeks. And today? 45 has left the building. We have a new, more presidential President. Along with our first Vice President who is a woman, African-American, and Asian-American. A great day of firsts.

On this day in 2009, I waited in line outside, in the cold, to get into the Riverview Theater. The energy was off the charts as a packed house watched Obama and Biden be sworn in. Such different circumstances today, in the midst of a pandemic. I watched today’s inauguration alone, at home, on my laptop. Though I was thrilled to see firefighter Andrea Hall leading the Pledge Of Allegiance, spoken and in sign language. Not only did they have measures in place for an accessible inauguration, the Biden-Harris Administration has a “plan for full participation and equality for people with disabilities.” And the Whitehouse commits to WCAG 2.1 AA compliance and accepting comments from the community on how to improve accessibility. A nice change of pace from the outgoing president, who outright mocked people with disabilities. That doesn’t mean our work is done. It isn’t time to sit back and relax. We still need to hold our politicians accountable and ensure that they follow through to do right by the people in this country. Prioritize the pandemic and economic relief, and work to undo the damage that has been done over the past four years. But for today? I am content to unclench my jaw and breathe a sigh of relief.

Watching the inauguration with Olive the cat
My sweet boys, the feline one and the human one
Olive, judging
Filed in accessibility, life, pandemic, politics | Comments (0)

Life Moves Pretty Fast

Sunday, January 10, 2021

Last Sunday I was worried about returning to work (from home) after an extended holiday break. But so much has happened since. Tuesday I was anxious about the election in Georgia. Wednesday I was horrified by insurrectionists storming our country’s Capitol. Since Thursday my problems were closer to home. We called the fire department because there was a burning rubber smell coming from the basement. We couldn’t identify the source. The firefighters called in the gas company. That crew came out and red-tagged all four of the 100-year-old boilers as unsafe and shut off the gas (just to the boilers, we still have cooking gas and hot water). Heat is a pretty critical component to survival in a Minnesotan winter. We’re getting by with space heaters for now. So many strange men have been in and out of our basement, and some inside our home itself, to measure carbon monoxide levels. Now I’m concerned about our risk of COVID-19 exposure (with a new, more contagious strain to boot). Additional strangers will be in and out of here next week and the week after. The asbestos abatement team followed by the crews installing the new boilers and the chimney liners and then city inspectors to sign off on all of it.

One year ago today I was exploring Portugal. Now we’re living through a global pandemic and unprecedented domestic political turmoil. Our household had been fairly insulated from the pandemic until now. But surviving in place has become more difficult, temporarily. At least the weather is relatively mild for this time of year. The boiler expense is going to be a huge hit but I should be able to finance it through the gas company. More debt. I just hope we don’t become infected from all these new points of contact in and out of the building. And the slow rollout of vaccines has been disheartening.

File under unexpectedly hopeful, Arnold Schwarzenegger has pleasantly surprised me again. First, when he called for Americans to stay home during the covid crisis. And now, in a video denouncing last week’s attack on the Capitol:

Schwarzenegger’s video today, however schmaltzy and hokey in style, was a real reminder to the fatuous callow right that Nazis and nazism are not just death-metal icons or gamer fantasies. They really did exist, with America-first cheerleaders such as Joseph Kennedy and Charles Lindbergh encouraging their fellow citizens to look the other way. And he also showed us that the immigrant experience can bring wisdom.

As fast as things seem to be moving, I’d like to fast forward to a time where Biden and Harris are already in office, everyone is vaccinated, and our household has heat again.

An amaryllis flower bulb showing signs of life
Filed in life, mental health, pandemic, travel | Comments (0)

Surviving in Place

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

This afternoon saw an interesting confluence of events. First, I read an article that provided some clarity about my childhood, a fresh perspective on some of my adult relationships, and a better idea about my mental health needs moving forward. I highly recommend this article:

We’ve Got Depression All Wrong. It’s Trying to Save Us.
New theories recognize depression as part of a biological survival strategy.

While I was still digesting that, I received an email from my therapist. I had been seeing her for about five years. Then she had her second child at the beginning of 2020. The pandemic started before her maternity leave ended. We only managed a couple of telehealth sessions last year and they didn’t go very well, technologically. Now she’s leaving that clinic to start her own practice, but won’t be accepting health insurance. I’ve been meaning to seek out a new therapist for a while now but my work schedule makes it challenging. While I prefer working from home, both for my day job and my teaching gig, I do miss the quiet privacy of the therapist’s office with that wonderful white noise machine running just outside the door. Even if I lived alone, I’d still prefer the therapist’s office. There’s something so beneficial about face-to-face time in that private bubble. Some day we’ll be able to go back (though it’s going to be a while yet). Back to the Psychology Today article. A line in it mentioned a woman who, as a child, endured abuse by a parent by surviving in place. That hit me hard. I had no one to rescue me from what I endured. One parent dished it out while the other was completely absent/conflict-avoidant. Especially after my brother died. Looking back, I spent a lot of time numb. Dissociating and sleeping. Until making a break for it the day I turned 18. I disappeared into the city and spent many hypervigilant years looking over my shoulder. Therapy helped me learn how to be kinder to myself and to be proud of all I managed to achieve despite my circumstances rather than beating myself up over what I didn’t do.

Switching gears, Hayao Miyazaki is 80 years old today. He is responsible for some of my all-time favorite films. The ones I return to over and over again. And have shared with my son, who has the same affection for them. In a 2002 interview with Roger Ebert, they discussed the frenetic pacing of American animation, overloaded with noise and action. And the desire to quiet things down.

He clapped his hands three or four times. “The time in between my clapping is ma. If you just have non-stop action with no breathing space at all, it’s just busyness, But if you take a moment, then the tension building in the film can grow into a wider dimension. If you just have constant tension at 80 degrees all the time you just get numb.”

Speaking of Miyazaki, it was through him that I introduced my son to the French gentleman thief and master of disguise, Lupin, in the classic The Castle of Cagliostro. There have been many other Lupin iterations out there, but that’s been my favorite. Though this Friday there may be a new contender on Netflix, with the new live-action adaptation starring Omar Sy. I’m excited and hope my kid will watch it with me, despite the subtitles.

In other news, there has been a huge increase in violent crimes all around us. Sometimes at night. Recently, our snow removal crew was robbed at gunpoint while shoveling nearby. But also in broad daylight, according to the Citizen app (which I try not to look at too often). It makes me anxious about my regular neighborhood walks. But how much of it should I truly be worried about and how much of it is artificial? Just a mile or two away there have been documented ops to intentionally scare residents (longer youtube version) to call for more police.

Olive appreciates some sunshine
The trees in front of our home catching some sunshine
Blue skies with puffy white clouds are my favorite
Filed in grieving, life, mental health, pandemic | Comments (0)

Bounce, Don’t Break

Friday, January 1, 2021

That chapter has closed. 2020 is over and done with but not before bringing us all to our knees, repeatedly. There is cause to be hopeful in 2021 but just as many reasons to be wary and vigilant. Locally, the Minneapolis Police murdered another black man then terrorized his family afterward. And progress has been made in the battle against covid. We have effective vaccines but, as many had feared, there aren’t systems in place in the US to roll them out effectively. Some of it is incompetence but also outright sabotage. Nothing surprises me at this point. And just one little kick in the kidneys on the way out, we found out that MF Doom died.

But today is all about bringing positivity into this new year. So how about five good things?

  • This morning I freshened up my kid’s pink hair color. Apparently, he’s not alone.

    How Pink Hair Came to Define the Aesthetic of COVID-19
    “Very often, pink is thought to have a calming effect.”

  • My son turned 21 back in September but hasn’t been interested in drinking alcohol, which is fine (I waited until I was 36). I was surprised when he mentioned he’d be interested in trying some champagne on NYE so I made sure to have a better quality example on hand. But he didn’t like it, as I predicted.
  • I came to Taskmaster a little late to the game. But I have since watched every episode of all ten series of this amazingly magical show! My son is often irritated by how much I laugh because of it. Hey kid, laughter is the best medicine and all that. I’m still figuring out how I can watch the New Year’s Special. And I’m very much looking forward to series 11. The lineup was announced last month. The showrunners have been fantastic about casting groups of people who complement one another well.
  • There is one man out there who I am simpatico with and that man is Jason Mantzoukas. We like all of the same things! This episode of The Watch podcast was an absolute delight. The Movies, Music, and TV That Helped Us Through 2020, With Jason Mantzoukas
  • Being home so much, I’ve had ample time to come up with interior decorating ideas and home improvements that I cannot implement on my own. Like a white subway tile backsplash for the wall behind the stove and the perfect ceiling fan for the living room to replace the ugly boob light fixture there. I may not be able to do these things now, but I’ll sure be ready to go when the time comes.

While I’ll be relieved to have Biden and Harris in the White House later this month, it’s going to take some massive efforts to undo the damage done by the current administration. I’m lucky that my son is as cautious and realistic as I am. We’re committed to hunkering down at home for the foreseeable future. We’re lucky we can maintain this holding pattern. Partially due to resilience, but largely due to the privilege afforded to me by being employed in tech and being able to work remotely. A lifetime of trauma trained me to be a loner. I don’t do resolutions anymore, but one of my intentions for 2020 was to spend more time trying to connect with other people. Oh, the irony! The pandemic put me right back in my comfort zone with loads of solo time. When it is safe to be around others again I’ll be even more awkward than I was in the before times.

After breakfast, I touched up my son's hair color on this New Year's DAy
Frozen after walking back from Brasa
On the couch with a large cat snoring in my ear
Filed in life, pandemic | Comments (0)

Enjoy Every Sandwich

Tuesday, December 8, 2020

It’s strange that the end of the year is approaching but I feel less harried and stressed than I usually would. In a typical year, there are holiday parties to get to and/or to host. Gifts to procure (though we’ve been tapering off on that for a while now), family and friends to visit. It is still an extraordinarily busy time of year at work, for both my day job and part-time teaching gig. But I only have two more classes to teach and then I have a break until the new year. I don’t miss the hectic commuting or figuring out how and when to squeeze in some meals throughout the day. Honestly, life is much less complicated for us now and I am embracing that. More good things for the gratitude list:

  • Vaccines are on the way for COVID-19 (and already being rolled out in the UK) and the science is improving daily. We know so much more now than we did in the early days. This Science VS mini-episode is worth a listen: “Tons of new science means fresh answers on a few things that really freaked us out at the start of the pandemic: coronavirus on surfaces; ibuprofen and Covid-19; and getting Covid twice.”
  • Grapefruit spoons have been a game-changer.
  • Recently I got a bit busy and sad and skipped my daily walks two days in a row. Remedied that today and confirmed that yes, going for solo walks greatly improves my mental and physical well-being!
  • I’ve been enjoying winter fruits that begin with the letter P — pomegranate and persimmons — and look forward to pomelo season.
  • As we are here all the time now, everything in our home is suffering from greater wear and tear, including my house slippers. So I ponied up for some Glerups. I’m glad I did. They are comfortable and known for their excellent, ethical business practices.
  • Also in the realm of comfort, I found soft underthings I like and gave myself permission to replace all the old stuff I had that was uncomfortable. And realized my son was probably overdue. He doesn’t think to ask for such things but admitted his boxers were falling apart. Doh. Ordered him many new pairs, along with lounge pants. We should be set for some time now.

Lastly, I’m grateful that my son and I adapted to this new normal so easily. I saw this NY Times piece.

Pandemic-Proof Your Habits — Too many people are still longing for their old routines. Get some new ones instead.

That hasn’t been an issue here. We are creatures of habit but we quickly pivoted and established new routines that would serve us well. My son is thriving. He was Homecoming King his senior year of high school (I was chuffed) and now he’s going to be President of his college’s anime club! They’ve been meeting online. Some of those friendships were still fairly new before the pandemic began and I worried they would fizzle out but he has done the work to maintain them and I am so proud and relieved.

My fine feathered geese friends
Simple but delicious breakfast. Labneh with honey and walnuts and sliced fuyu persimmons.
New favorite slippers from Glerups in petrol blue
Filed in hodge-podge, life, pandemic | Comments (0)